Friday, May 27, 2011


Everyday I realize that I am turning into my parents. And it is a good thing! They're so level-headed and are chalked full of good advice. They are what I like to call "secret cool." Secret cool is when something TOTALLY AWESOME happens to you and you don't tell anyone about it! It can be borderline shady at times. But to me it is way more appealing than "flaunt-y I've got it going on" cool. I want to be secret cool. Shake that NWA/Bentonville cool off of me and become even more like my parents, because they really do have it going on.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm from Iowa? You probably learned that within the first 5 minutes of knowing me. Well, Iowa has some pretty crumby weather. Like 9 months of winter and 3 of summer. That's one thing I don't miss even a little bit, because (you probably learned within the first 10 minutes of knowing me) I am in a constant state of cold. It's like my bones have built in air conditioning units.
Anyway, back to the story. The other night we were dog-sitting for the people that live in the apartment we are going to be moving into here in a couple of weeks. I'll admit I was poking around because Hey! I'm about to live here and I haven't seen the whole thing yet. I was standing in the kitchen and I peeked in the sink to see if it had a built-in food monster when I noticed a small brown spider. Ethan goes "oh I think that's a brown recluse." And then I fainted...ok not really. So he fan-dangles it into a little bowl and studies it for a second in his oh-so-scientific manner and comes to the conclusion that it is, in fact, a brown recluse. Then I started crying. I've never seen one in real life, I've only heard stories of how people lose limbs and lives because they get bit by these little creatures and here I am moving into an apartment infested with them!

Ok, slow down missbrandyjane, maybe you should call your parents and get some of that cool going on.

Ethan thinks I am ridiculous! But,
Here's what he doesn't understand:
There are no poisonous snakes or spiders in Iowa. I did not grow up with this kind of threat, so for me it's life shaking!!!
Here's what I don't understand:
Brown recluses don't live in clusters. Then don't like water or people so it's very weird to find one in the sink. We're just as likely to find one in the apartment I live in now as we are to find another one in that apartment.

OK I'm calm, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm living in the AMAZON!

The other day we were babysitting for our friends that live on the lake. Usually Ethan and the boy go fishing while the girl and I sit on the dock and ask them 2157854 questions about anything we consider slightly relevant. Well this time no one was allowed to go outside because a few days ago they spotted an anaconda sized Water Moccasin living in a log by the docks. The neighbor men are taking turns sitting by the log with a shotgun. So far no one's shot it yet.

Now does it make sense why cried over a brown recluse?! I feel like Jungle Jane!! I'm scared to go outside anymore because a snake might bite me, but inside isn't safe either because a spider might get me. AHH!

What if I get bit on the leg then I can't run then I'm miserable and stressed out because I can't relieve my stress by running, then I eat tons of ice cream and gain a lot of weight then my dress won't fit and they'll have to alter it and there won't be enough time before the wedding so I'll have to get a new one and I'll hate my wedding pictures and Ethan won't think I'm the prettiest girl he's ever met then I'll be the ugliest girl in the world. See? If that was your thought process you'd be confined to your computer chair as well.

I just need to chill. But seriously though, if I lost a leg it would be like a painter losing her hand or a singer losing her voice or a hair-stylist losing all of her scissors and combs.

If you're not a runner, you should be. It's such a great way to relieve stress or anger. If I'm mad at something or someone, I just run for a couple miles and by the end I'm usually over it. But it may not work for everyone. Some people get over things by riding horses or playing golf. To each his own I guess.

Just don't run at night or you might step on a snake.

HA, ok seriously I'm done with the snake thing now.

I did have some pretty significant dress drama. When I got my dress back in August the consultant made me get two sizes bigger than the size I wear. Now, that size is by no means big. But imagine if someone sold you your wedding dress two sizes bigger than what you wear. You'd feel terrible!! Well a few months of me secretly being stressed passed and I'm back at the shop for alterations. The alterations lady-Nadia is older, short, plump, and extremely Russian. I seriously had no idea what she was saying half the time. So I get there and I think she's telling me to put the dress on, so I go into the fitting room and put it on and come back out with it unlaced because I couldn't possibly lace it myself. I try and explain this to her and honestly I don't know what she was saying but she scootched me up onto the platform and then in very broken English I distinctly hear her say "this is not going to work." A flood of water works its way into my chest.

Me: "Uh what??"
Nadia: "Zis is vay to big."
Me (water has moved to my throat at this point): "I tried to tell the lady when I bought it. She wouldn't even let me try on the smaller size."
Nadia exits and I am left pacing back and forth working myself into a frantic. The other dress maker just exactly like Nadia only American looks up from her work.

American: "Where is Nadia?"
Me (the water has reached my eyes at this point and begins to flood out): "My dress!"
The American comes running to me and starts hugging me and telling me how I'm going to be such a beautiful bride and that it's a good thing to be tiny and my husband is just going to love it. Then pretty much everyone in the stores comes to the back and hugs me because my sobs were heard throughout. And poor Ethan is left on the other side of the curtain to wonder what's going on!

So Nadia comes back with a dress that is the size that I wear in real life, and I'm thinking this is not going to fit. Then I put it on and it's pretty much perfect, just a little bit more had to be taken off the sides! I walked back to the platform like a blossom blooming in the spring, ha! As Nadia was stabbing me with pins the manager was asking me how they messed it up so bad, apologizing, and telling me they would just exchange the sizes no additional cost.

Moral of the story, crying will get you a lot farther than angrily demanding your way. Just stay cool.